Reliance

I rely on God’s Promise; I do not rely on my own feelings. I rely only on God’s Promise; I do not rely on my own assessment of myself. Quite often I feel an emptiness inside me. When I feel that I am empty, at that time I feel lonely, I feel miserable, I feel not only helpless and hopeless but also sure that I am going to destruction itself. When I think of myself, I see frustration within and without. Fear and jealousy, insecurity and doubt, disobedience and arrogance play in front of me an undivine game. The name of that game is ingratitude.

If I rely on their assessment of my life, if I rely on them, if I take them as my confidants, if I take them as true members of my family, then I am totally ruined. So I rely only on my God’s Promise that He will teach me how to swim across the ignorance-sea. My Lord’s Promise to me is so clear, vivid, illumining and fulfilling. He told me that I am destined to become a perfect instrument of His. He told me that I am destined to swim in the sea of Light and Delight and eventually teach others — my little brothers and sisters — how to swim in the sea of Light and Delight.

I do not rely on my physical height, on my material or earthly achievement-heights; they are misleading. I see that I am tall, but in comparison to whom? To children. I see clearly that I am so tall, but only when I stand in front of children. When a giant stands in front of me, I become a tiny little ant, a pigmy, in comparison to the giant’s height. So my earthly height is such that it does not give me abiding satisfaction. When I am with children, my height satisfies me because I am much taller than they are. But when I am with grown-ups, giants, I am not aware of my achievements. I can extol myself to the skies for my achievements and feel that I have achieved something great and sublime; but when I look around, I see right in front of my nose that there is someone who has far surpassed me in that very field. So if I rely on my achievements to give me strength, security, confidence and assurance, I am misled and misguided. But when I think of my Lord’s Height in me, when I try to see and feel it, I see that He has not only the tallest Height but also the ever-transcending Height. Here on the physical plane I can reach a certain height and then it is over. On the physical plane, material plane, I attain something; then it comes to an end. But on the inner plane, when I think of my Lord Supreme, everything that He has and everything that He is, is not only measureless, but also ever-transcending. Here in the outer world my height always has a limit, but there in the inner world my Lord’s Height, my Lord’s Achievements, are all unlimited.

What is my Lord’s Promise to me? His Promise to me is that what He has and what He is, is all for me: His Height, His inner Height, His real Height, His real Achievements, are all for me. This is His Promise. So I rely on His Promise and do not rely on my own little capacities and achievements. My own little capacities do not satisfy me. Even if one satisfies me for a second, I see tremendous weakness in that capacity, for there is always somebody else who is endowed with infinitely more of that capacity than I have.

Reliance means satisfaction. When I rely on myself I cannot have total satisfaction. But when I rely on my Lord Supreme, when I rely on His Promise, it is simple. He will make me, like Himself, another God, with Infinity, Eternity and Immortality at my constant disposal. In me He sees the perfect prototype of His own Reality. His Promise is to make of me another Reality exactly like His own, so that He can play with me, sing with me and dance with me throughout Eternity.

When He promises to make me into an exact image of His own Reality, this does not mean that inseparable oneness is lacking. No, inseparable oneness is there, but the One projects Himself into two so that He can enjoy the Cosmic Game. In the outer plane, the human mind will see separativity in spite of inseparable oneness in the inner world. But the heart will feel that the One has divided Himself into two to taste the cosmic Delight. When oneness is divided into two halves, each half brings in newness; each half offers constant newness, ever-illumining, ever-fulfilling newness to the other.

So I shall rely only on my Lord’s Promise, and not on what I have and what I am. I do not trust, I cannot trust myself for I do not trust the members of my inner family: the body, vital, mind and heart. They have deceived me and I have deceived them. But my Lord Supreme has never deceived me and I have never deceived Him. Therefore, I rely on Him only, and He relies on me. I do not rely on the members of my earthly-existence-family; neither will I allow them to rely on me. My reality, my confidence, my assurance, my very existence is founded upon my reliance on my Beloved Supreme alone.

From:Sri Chinmoy,Everest-Aspiration, part 2, Agni Press, 1977
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