There is not a single day when my mind does not cherish authority and supremacy. In my outer life I try to exercise supremacy over others; I show my undue and unauthorised authority. As soon as I show my authority and supremacy, I separate myself from the rest of mankind. With the disappearance of my oneness-life, my stupidity begins.
Why am I insecure and why do I remain insecure? I am insecure because I have not yet felt my inseparable oneness with the rest of the world. I remain insecure because inwardly I cherish insecurity in a very strange and peculiar way: I think that my insecurity is keeping me alert and cautious. I know that I have countless superiors but very few inferiors. But because of my insecurity I am always afraid that even these inferiors are going to dethrone me and start dominating me. As long as I do not have confidence in the purest sense, I feel that I have to keep insecurity at my heart’s door to protect me, which is absurdity on the face of it.
Why am I afraid? I am afraid of certain people for various reasons, but the main reason is that I dislike them. When I dislike anyone, I feel that the person I dislike is always speaking ill of me; I feel that sleeplessly and breathlessly that person is counting my shortcomings. I feel that he is leaving no stone unturned to expose me to the outer world. Because I dislike others, because I have no love for others and feel no oneness with them, I am afraid of the world. Where there is division and lack of oneness, there is always fear. But if I like the world, the world will also like me. If I love the world, my love will be reciprocated. In the life of a person who does not feel oneness with the rest of the world, stupidity, fear and insecurity can never come to an end.
Stupidity, insecurity, fear: these are my problems. But do I sincerely, soulfully and bravely try to liberate myself from these problems? No! I feel in a very peculiar way that my countless problems are keeping me alive. I feel that if I had no problems, by this time I would have become lifeless and inactive; and that my life of sloth and inertia would have made me even more miserable than I am. I feel that because I have problems to face, my inner energy comes to the fore. Alas, these are the strange ideas that I cherish.
At times, when I am beset with problems, I go to my friends and dear ones in the hope that they will be able to free me from my problems. But, like me, they too are loaded with problems and they cannot help me.
Each problem is an inner ailment, an inner disease, and only an inner doctor can cure me. My inner doctor is my Inner Pilot. He tells me, “My son, I can cure you of all your problems, but I have to charge you a fee. The fee that I need is your constant prayer-life. The fee that I want is your constant aspiration-life. If you give Me your prayerful heart and your aspiration-life, I shall cure you of all your centuries-old maladies. Only a life of prayer and a heart of meditation can cure you of your long-cherished ignorance-dream.”
OEH 81. University of Auckland; Auckland, New Zealand, University Hall, 8 July 1989.↩
From:Sri Chinmoy,The oneness of the Eastern heart and the Western mind, part 1, Agni Press, 2003
Sourced from https://srichinmoylibrary.com/oeh_1