Relaxation-secrets for the pressured mind
Part I — Happy families
1.
"Father, do you know that I can break a thing just by opening my mouth?""What is it, my son?"
"Silence."
2.
"Father, father, I really don't want to go to Australia.""Don't delay, son. Just keep digging."
3.
"Mother, mother, I am dying to be an actor but nobody thinks that I can be an actor.""It's easy, my child, just break your leg."
"What will happen if I break my leg?"
"You will be in a cast for months."
4.
"Robert, you have eaten but you have not thanked the Lord for your supper.""Mother, how do you expect me to pray for a long time when your meal was so bad!"
5.
"Where are you going, my young child?""I am going to the army."
"But you are just an infant!"
"Right! That is why I am going to join the infantry."
6.
"My father tells me that my face is my fortune.""Then just try to borrow money from me."
7.
"Let us play school.""All right, but let me be the bad boy. Let me be absent from school."
8.
"My sister is only two years old, but she can spell her name forwards and backwards.""How strange! At such an early age! What is her name?"
"Anna."
9.
"Brother, may I join you?""Why? In which way am I coming apart?"
10.
"Everybody tells me that I look like a monkey.""Tell them that they are wrong. You just go upstairs and sleep like a calm and quiet child."
11.
"My daughter spends so much money every day buying new gloves. How can I stop her?""Just give her a gold ring. Then she will try to show off."
12.
"How many times have I asked you not to come home late?""Alas, I have not counted. Perhaps you too."
13.
"I asked my son to take garlic every day so that nobody could approach him.""Why?"
"Because he is an idiot about lending money to others."
14.
"Why is your little brother crying?""Because I do not want to give him my mango."
"What was wrong with his mango?"
"I already ate his."
15.
HUSBAND: I am so hungry, I could eat a dog, a horse and even an elephant here at this meal!WIFE: Stop, stop! I have lost all my appetite.
16.
"Father, how much are you worth?""If it is left to my boss, I am worth a million dollars, but for you I am worth only four dollars."
17.
A mother said to her son: "We must always serve others."The son replied: "If we are always to serve others, then what are they for?"
18.
"My brother and I know all the words in the dictionary.""Can you tell me the meaning of hyperbole?"
"No. That one my brother knows."
19.
A mother said to her daughter: "Please do not tell lies anymore. Each time you tell a lie, I get a grey hair."Her daughter said: "Oh, I see. That is why my grandmother has so many grey hairs!"
Part II — Between friends
1.
"What were you doing?""I was singing."
"I thought you were torturing your little dog."
2.
"What is on your neck?""Why, my head."
"It seems my eyes are not good anymore. I thought it was a pumpkin."
3.
"Will you come to my place to dine with me today?""It is against my religion to dine with the monkeys."
4.
"You have lunch all over your face. Why did you not wash it?""You are wrong. I could not afford to have lunch. That is yesterday's."
5.
"I am very sad that the company has given me vacation time to visit the whole of Washington, DC.""Why do you have to feel sad?"
"Because I am an inhabitant of Washington, DC."
6.
"You could be a good singer, except for one thing: you have to bring your voice back from the deserted land."
7.
"I am hungry. Can you give me something to eat?""Of course. I will give you rice and beans."
"You can keep that for some other day. Today is my birthday, so I deserve something special."
8.
"Are you planning to go to a movie?""Yes."
"Then I can give you a ticket for half the price that I was charged."
"How will you do that?"
"Easy. I can sell you my used ticket."
9.
"I can easily tell you the name of your future wife.""How can you tell me?"
"Your future wife's name is bound to be Mrs. Smith."
10.
"What is the difference between a dreamboat and a shipwreck?""The difference is simple. Mine is a dreamboat; yours is a shipwreck."
11.
"Suppose your father owed one hundred dollars to the doctor, two hundred dollars to the landlord and four hundred dollars to his friends. What would your father do?""Easy. He would just move to another town."
12.
"Do you know that your face is as beautiful as a flower?""Please tell me which flower."
"Cauliflower."
13.
Two little children were talking. "How do you know that this earth is round?" said one."Because my parents have told me so, and they have never told me a lie."
14.
LITTLE BOY: My father is a great lion-hunter in Holland.HIS FRIEND: But there are no lions in Holland!
FIRST BOY: Of course! He has shot them all.
15.
"Help me! Help me! I do not know how to swim!""Stop crying! I do not know how to swim either, but do I cry like you?"
16.
"Can you tell me what is today's date?""You fool! You are carrying a newspaper with you. Can you not see the date?"
"Idiot! That is yesterday's paper."
17.
One friend said to another: "How do you happen to live so comfortably?""Easy. I take a loan from the bank to pay my credit cards, and then I pay the bank with my credit cards."
18.
"Do you mind if I smoke cigarettes here?""No, I do not mind unless you mind my lungs being affected."
19.
"My friend's friend has one eye and is known as Jacob.""How is his other eye known?"
20.
"Who has broken the window?""Andrew."
"How?"
"I threw a stone at him but he ducked."
21.
One friend said to another: "I am sick of my car.""Why are you sick of it?" asked his friend.
"Because every month I have to pay the instalment on my loan."
22.
"Come quickly and help me. My brother has broken his leg.""I am a musician and not a doctor. How can I help you?"
"You are the one that I need. My brother has broken his piano leg."
23.
"What will you do when you grow up?""When I grow up I would like to have long hair, a long beard and a long moustache so that everyone will think I am a great Indian swami."
24.
"What is the fat thing that you carry with you that becomes thin very soon when you go to a particular place?""The name of the fat thing is your wallet and the name of the place is the grocery. A fat wallet immediately becomes thin when you go to the grocery."
25.
"Why did you bury your cat?""What else could I do? It was dead!"
26.
One friend to another: "Seven is an odd number. How can we even it?""Just take away the s."
27.
"Do you know that my baker friend has stopped making doughnuts?""Why?"
"He is sick of the whole business."
28.
"Why are you laughing so much?""I am laughing because the dentist has just pulled out one of my teeth."
"How is it that you are laughing instead of crying?"
"I am laughing because the great dentist has pulled out the wrong tooth!"
29.
"Is there any special reason why you have become a printer?""Yes, indeed! Because I am the right type."
30
"If you do not give me the correct salary, then I shall feel sorry. You are also bound to feel sorry.""Why? Why?"
"Because my phone bills, my gas bills and my water bills will hound you. When they come to hound me, I shall set them loose in your dreams."
31.
"Do you know what my friend did when he became President of the corporation?""No, tell me."
"He just sat down on his chair."
Part III — Those memorable schooldays
1.
TEACHER: Tell me, who did not invent the airplane?STUDENT: The Wrong Brothers.
2.
TEACHER: All your answers are wrong. I shall punish you most severely.STUDENT: No, no. I only deserve half punishment.
TEACHER: Why?
STUDENT: Because my father did most of it.
3.
The teacher was taking attendance: "Henry Stanley?"Robin answered: "Absent."
"Shut up," the teacher said, "he can speak for himself."
4.
"Do you know that this morning our President was married to the First Lady?" said the teacher to the student."How can it be possible?" said the student. "Eve is not here."
5.
"Didn't you miss school yesterday, Robert?""Oh no, not in the least!"
6.
TEACHER: Do you know when Rome was built?STUDENT: Definitely not during the night! It was all built during the day. It took many days to build it, but it was definitely not done at night.
7.
"Susan, why are you late to school?""Because I overslept."
"That means you sleep at home as well? The sleep you get in class is not enough?"
8.
TEACHER: Why do you come late every day?STUDENT: It is not my fault. Unfortunately, every day you ring the bell before I come.
9.
"Where is the River Seine?" asked the teacher.One student replied, "You are the teacher. Therefore, you should know the answer. It is I who should be asking you that question."
10.
"I told you to draw for me a horse and cart," said the teacher. "You have only drawn the horse for me. What is wrong with you?""Nothing is wrong with me. The horse will automatically draw the cart."
11.
"Why didn't you come to school yesterday?""I had some trouble with one of my teeth."
"How is it today?"
"Actually, I do not know. The dentist is taking care of it."
12.
"My teacher has been asking me to write more clearly.""Then why don't you listen to her?"
"If I listen to her, she will only find more spelling mistakes."
13.
The teacher telephoned Stephanie's home to ask why she was not at school. A female voice said: "Stephanie is very sick. Therefore, she is unable to come to school.""To whom am I talking?" asked the teacher.
"This is my mother."
14.
TEACHER: Tell me what is the first thing in the Bible?STUDENT: Page one.
15.
TEACHER: Tell me the name of the first man.STUDENT: George Washington.
TEACHER: Not Adam?
STUDENT: You did not ask who was the first man created. You just asked who was the first man.
16.
"George, how is it that you did not hear me call?""I did hear you, Sir, but you asked me not to answer back when you speak to me."
17.
TEACHER: What is wrong? Why are you crawling into the room?STUDENT: What can I do? You forbade me to walk into the room if I come late. Therefore, I am crawling.
18.
A little schoolgirl was crying in the park. A kind-hearted lady asked her: "Why are you crying?""Sciatica."
"At your age?"
"No. I am not suffering from sciatica, but I did not spell it correctly and that's why my teacher scolded me."
19.
TEACHER: I shall give you an "A" in History if you can tell me something mysterious about Julius Caesar.STUDENT: "I came; I saw; I conquered."
TEACHER: Anything else?
STUDENT: Oh yes, he is long dead.
20.
"Where are you going?""I am going to school."
"With food in your mouth?"
"No, no. I am going to school with my friend Robert."
21.
"Why do we need our heart, our liver and our kidneys?" the teacher asked.A student answered: "We need them for an organ concert."
Part IV — Upon doctor's orders
1.
"Have you taken the medicine that I gave you to improve your memory?""Alas, I forgot it."
2.
"Doctor, I have come to take my money back.""Why?"
"Last night I had a sore throat and you told me that it would never come back. Now it has come back, so you have to return the money I gave you."
3.
"Doctor, doctor, for days and days I have not slept.""So, you are suffering from insomnia."
"Not actually so. At night I do sleep."
4.
"So, you have taken my advice? You have counted up to 50,000 banana leaves in order to have a good night's sleep?""Yes, doctor, I did. But even then I wasn't able to sleep at all."
"Why not?"
"Because by then it was time for me to wake up."
5.
Doctors wear masks, not because they need them to operate, but because they do not want to be known afterwards.
6.
"I am recovering here at home because the doctor has given me a very severe shock treatment from his office.""How was he able to do that?"
"He just sent me his bill."
7.
"Doctor, doctor, can you see that I have a bucket on my head?""Yes, I can see it. That is why you look so pale."
8.
"Doctor, my wife is suffering from meningitis.""So you have come here to take medicine from me?"
"Yes. But give me the medicine that will not cure her and for that I will give you more money."
9.
"Father is miserable.""Why? You told me the operation was a success."
"The operation was successful, but the bill is exorbitant."
Part V — Service with a smile
1.
"I don't know why cooks have to be so cruel to the poor eggs."They have to be. If they don't beat the eggs, then how are you going to eat them?"
2.
"Why is there a butterfly in my soup?""Because the flies are on leave."
3.
"Nobody is allowed to enter this restaurant without leaving their umbrella at the door first.""But I don't have an umbrella!"
"Then go and get one and leave it here before you enter the restaurant."
4.
"Waiter, why are there coins in my soup?""I just carried out your order. You wanted some change in the soup."
5.
"This restaurant is very clean and tidy.""Why do you say so?"
"Because everything tastes like soap."
6.
DINER: You have only brought me one piece of meat and I ordered three.WAITRESS: I'm sorry. I shall cut it into three pieces for you.
7.
"Why is there a cockroach in my curry?""I'm sorry, sir, the ants are on strike."
8.
"How long is the pizza going to be?""Sorry, I don't make long pizzas, only round ones."
Part VI — Misdemeanours
1.
When it is foggy, what do the pickpockets do?They start picking their own pockets.
2.
"Somebody picked my pocket. I asked him why he did it and he said he was practising to be perfect in his art."
3.
"I do not know why the police arrested me.""You do not know why?"
"I just entered into the jewellery shop early in the morning before anyone else came. That is my only crime."
4.
The judge said to the culprit: "Tell me when you were born."The culprit's answer was: "I'm sorry, I don't want to tell you. Besides, I don't think you will give me a nice birthday present."
5.
"Doctor, please tell me how to stop stealing.""I have some special pills for you. Take them and let me know tomorrow."
"Doctor, your pills have not cured me. Last night I went out to steal again."
"I have a new medicine for you, but first just bring me a small camera as payment."
6.
"You have to tell the court how old you are," said the judge.The old lady said: "Twenty-five years."
"And how many months?"
"139 months."
"How do you get 139 months?"
"I never tell a lie. My mother taught me that there are 140 months in a year."
7.
"Can you tell me of an experience which is at once very funny and very sad?""Last night a thief was returning home unsuccessful and, what was worse, he was robbed."
8.
The judge said to the criminal: "Why did you steal her purse?"The criminal replied: "Sir, I was not feeling at all well, so I just took her purse for a change."
9.
Why did Robin Hood rob only from the rich?It was beneath his dignity to rob the poor.
Part VII — The art of repartee
1.
Why do you carry your umbrella every day when you go to work?Because my poor umbrella does not know how to walk.
2.
What kind of conversation do an envelope and a stamp enjoy?"Since we two are close friends, we shall go everywhere together."
3.
If forty monkeys run after one monkey, what do you call it?Forty after one.
4.
When do you feed lion's milk to a baby?Only when it is a baby lion.
5.
What was the tallest mountain before Mount Everest was discovered?Mount Everest. Just because it was not discovered, you cannot say that it did not exist.
6.
What is a skeleton?Bones without the man.
7.
What is wind?The air in a terrible hurry.
8.
Who wears the biggest boots in the American army?The man with the biggest feet.
9.
"When do you usually take your midday meal?""I usually take it at lunchtime."
10.
What water will never freeze?Boiling water.
11.
"Can you give me a piece of good news and a piece of bad news?""Yes. We will all get free Coca Cola today — but for each straw you will have to pay 30 cents."
12.
What is a calendar?It is something that has a one-year guarantee.
13.
"Are you not ashamed of begging at my door?""No, I am not. I have been to many doors infinitely worse than yours."
14.
Why did you throw your timepiece away?I wanted to see if time can really fly.
15.
What happens when your clock strikes 13 times?It is all ready to be thrown away.
16.
How is your trampoline business going?Just up and down.
17.
Why are you so eager to work at a bank?Because I am told that banks have lots of money.
18.
Where do you find a great talker?Exactly at the place where you left him.
19.
Why are you unwilling to become an astronaut?Because I don't have that much interest in planets and stars, or even in Heaven.
20.
Somebody said to a barber, "I need a haircut.""You do need one," said the barber, "but tell me, which one?"
21.
Who is fireproof?Of course, the relatives of the boss are never fired.
22.
Do the stairs take you to the thirteenth floor?No. They do help, but you must walk.
23.
What is money?Something that is good for nothing for God-realisation.
24.
Can you tell me Napoleon's nationality?Course I can!
25.
Why are the professional boxers so great?Because they always try to give more than they want to receive.
26.
What lives shorter than anything else?Everybody's New Year's resolution.
27.
What is the place where it does not rain?Under the umbrella.
28.
How can you stop a running nose?Stand on your head.
29.
Do you know how to stand on your head?I always stand on my feet because I am a God-lover. I do not go against God's Will.
30.
What do you need for a leap year?Just two things — a kangaroo and a calendar.
31.
We need tires to hold up automobiles. What do we need to hold up airplanes?Hijackers.
32.
What is the thing that happens once in a minute, twice in a moment and not even once in a hundred years?The great letter "M".
33.
Do you know where the American Declaration of Independence was signed?Right at the bottom of the Declaration.
34.
Will you be kind enough to give me Lincoln's Gettysburg Address?You fool! He lived at the White House. What you need is his White House address.
35.
Why do the gods fly to their destination?Because it is too difficult and too far to walk.
36.
Three men went into the swimming pool. Two of them had their hair completely wet. The hair of the other was not at all wet. Can you tell me why?Because the first two had hair, but the other was bald-headed.
37.
If your own uncle's sister is not your aunt, then what is your relationship to her?She is your own mother.
38.
What time of day is the same spelled forwards and backwards?Noon.
39.
Why do we always see cows wearing bells?Because their horns never work.
40.
Which are the animals that can jump higher than the Statue of Liberty?Any animal. The Statue of Liberty cannot jump.
41.
Where are we supposed to keep proofreaders?Where else, if not in the house of correction?
42.
Why does the ocean roar?You would too, if you had so many water animals in your bed!
43.
Why do the white goats eat more than the black goats?Because the black goats are fewer in number.
44.
Did you miss the train?No, I ordered the train to go ahead of me. I will come later.
45.
One tooth said to another tooth while they were at the dentist: "It is so boring here!"
46.
What are the things that are extremely thin and round that we enjoy?Spaghetti and meatballs.
47.
Here today, tomorrow elsewhere. What is it?Everybody's pay check.
48.
What country needs warm clothes every day of the year?Chile.
49.
Who shaves every day at least seven times but remains unshaven?A barber.
50.
What is the opposite of "Big Mum"?Mini Dad.
51.
A little boy came to a cashier and said: "Do you have change for my nickel?""Of course."
"Then here is my nickel. Please give me a quarter."
52.
Is there any way you can waste your time easily?Yes. Just throw your wristwatch into the garbage.
53.
"Tell me, conductor, will this bus take me to Oxford?""Of course it will. Which part?"
"You fool! All of me."
54.
What do you call a lady letter carrier?A female mail carrier.
55.
When do health food fanatics get sick?They get sick the moment they hear the price.
56.
What is infinitely more difficult to keep than a secret?Money.
57.
"This bread is very warm!""It should be. A dog has been sitting on it all day."
58.
How can I avoid biting insects?Just keep your mouth shut!
59.
Why are you wearing shorts to see the cattle?Why not? I want to show off my calves.
60.
What is the thing that you get back after you have had it taken?Your own photograph.
61.
Why is the river so rich?Because it has two banks.
62.
Is there anything you can hold without touching it?Yes, my breath.
63.
Why is Europe like a frying pan?Because at the bottom of Europe is Greece.
64.
Why did the donkey sit on a tomato?Because it wanted to play squash.
65.
"Do you know why Joseph and Mary went to Jerusalem with the infant Jesus?""I don't think in those days babysitters were born."
66.
"I would like to have a room and a bath."I can definitely give you a room, but you have to take the bath yourself."
67.
When do horses have twenty feet?When there are five of them.
68.
"Alas, forever and forever it has gone.""What is it?"
"Yesterday."
69.
What are the letters that can frighten a thief?O I C U
70.
Have you heard the story about the rope?No, I haven't. But never mind, I'll skip it.
71.
How is it that a bachelor is a smart fellow?Because he is never mistaken!
72.
Which country has the most appetite?Hungary.
73.
At what time of the day was Adam created?Just a little before eve.
74.
What is a child after he is one year old?Two years old.
75.
Is there any way you can jump off a fifty-foot ladder without being injured?Yes, just jump off the lowest rung.
76.
What did the car say to the jack?Can you please give me a lift?
77.
"Conductor, how long will the next bus be?""Approximately ten metres."
78.
I have ten cows and twenty goats. So what do I get?Lots of milk.
79.
Tell me, Australia or the moon, which one is further away?Australia, because I can see the moon.
80.
Tell me if there is any way to prevent food from becoming rotten.By eating it before it goes bad.
81.
What nut has no shell?A doughnut.
82.
"Are you able to tell me when Fred is telling a lie?""Certainly. As soon as he opens his mouth."
83.
What do you get if you dial 4 six times, 5 seven times, 8 nine times and 9 twenty times?You just get ten blisters on your fingers.
84.
"Please tell me how I can get to Carnegie Hall," a man holding a guitar asked."Start practising."
85.
What is the best way to escape if you are attacked at the front door?The best way is to run away through the back door.
86.
Why is the sky so vast and high?So that the birds do not collide.
87.
If an airplane crashes between India and Pakistan, where will you bury the survivors?Nowhere. Since the survivors are not dead, why should we bury them?
88.
"Do you think all fish go to Heaven?""Oh no. Only the angel fish and the starfish go there."
89.
"Who are you?""I have come to look at your apartment."
"But I haven't told anybody that I want to rent this apartment!"
"Oh, I see. That means your neighbours have done it on your behalf."
90.
The barber said to himself: "Alas, alas, I am forbidden by my clients to take onion and garlic between 9:00 a.m. and 1:00 p.m."
91.
What is the best way to speak to ugly women?From a long distance.
92.
What happens when you dial 6-6-6?The policemen come running on their heads.
93.
How can you tell if a monkey has been in your room?Easily. If the room is full of peanut shells.
94.
What does a horse have that no other animal has?A baby horse.
95.
What is the thing that we all have but we always overlook?Our noses.
96.
What is the difference between electricity and lightning?Electricity is very expensive, but lightning we can get free of charge.
97.
"I like cheese, but I do not like the holes in it.""Then why don't you eat the cheese alone and leave out the holes?"
98.
In winter athletic competitions, who is the warmest athlete?The longest long jumper.
99.
What is the name of the biggest inedible nut in the British army?Colonel.
100.
How do you know that an elephant was in your refrigerator?From the footprints in the butter.
101.
What has a mouth but never speaks?A river.
102.
What has a neck but no head?A bottle.
103.
If your peacock lays an egg in your neighbour's garden, who actually owns the egg?Nobody will, because the peacock does not lay the egg. The hen does.
104.
Who eventually drives all his customers away?A taxi driver.
105.
What is it that runs and runs and whistles and whistles?A train.
106.
What are the two holes that our feet use every day?Sock holes.
107.
What has hundreds of limbs but can never walk?A tree.
108.
What is the noisiest of games?Tennis, of course, because the players can't do a thing without raising a racket.
109.
What runs and runs but has no legs?A tap.
110.
What did the little telephone say to the big telephone?Esteemed sister, I am too young to be engaged.
111.
If my right hand is holding four mangoes and my left hand has three mangoes, then what will I have?You will have two huge hands.
112.
What is the plural of dog?Dogs.
What is the plural of baby?
Either babies or twins.
113.
Why is it that nobody enjoys gossip in the field?Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
114.
What is the difference between a doormat and a bottle of medicine?One is taken up and shaken; the other is shaken up and taken.
